THE BROKEN GIRL AND THE VIRGIN
And he rejected my attempts at intimacy
And told me that he feels like an asshole
For using me for sex.
I felt like an idiot for thinking that someone could
Actually love this broken girl.
He was a virgin,
And apparently I seemed easy.
And because he was desperate to lose his virginity
And I was desperate for attention,
He came home with me.
We were very similar,
Two lonely people searching within a stranger
For our missing pieces.
After two straight days of foreplay
I was ready to relinquish control.
As we gently became one person I
Asked if I would ever see him again.
His tentative "yes" was all I needed to hear
To know that I meant nothing to him.
In an attempt at self-respect,
I told him I wasn't about to be used.
And that I didn’t think this was right.
He left shortly after.
When I wouldn’t give him the physical part of me,
I was no longer of any use to him.
I wanted to have sex,
But I wanted to be loved even more.
I shouldn’t have felt hurt,
Him using me and all,
For I was using him.
Pretending that he kissed me because
He wanted to understand every part of my mouth.
Because his words could not say everything his lips could.
He was only a lie I created.
Three glasses of wine later I told him that he was right
And we should be friends.
(I don't want to be his friend.)
And when he agreed that being friends would be fun,
I decided I have until May to make him fall in love with me.
In the meanwhile I’ll continue to think poorly about myself.
(January 6, 2013)
THE STORY BEHIND THE POEM
I wrote this poem after I met a boy at a work party and we spent two nights using each other; I was using him because I was so lonely and insecure and I was desperately seeking validation in the form of male affection and he wanted to lose his virginity. In the end, we both didn't get what we wanted. I soon forgot about that boy and my mission to make him fall in love with me. I never saw him again after that night.