A LETTER FOR YOU.
"You've got a new story to write. And it looks nothing like your past." - Danielle LaPorte
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My Dear Sweet Stranger,
It was the strong realization–the heartbreaking, world-collapsing realization–that happiness is not my normal. Day after day I woke up with the absence of it. For many years, I tried to find it. I couldn't find it within my own uncomfortable skin, and so I looked outside myself and searched for happiness in people and the external world. I looked in bottles of whiskey, and in the numbers on a scale, and in boys who didn't care about me. I kept thinking if I could change one thing about myself–change the way I looked, change my relationship status, change my job–then I would feel what I thought everyone else was feeling. Some days, I would feel it for a moment, sometimes numerous moments strung together. I would try and hold onto it, to bottle it up inside me, but always it would disappear without warning. No matter what part of my external circumstances changed I was still me, and I was very sad and uncomfortable being that. There came a point where life consumed me in a dark and dramatic way, and for a bit I was lost in the whirlwind of it all.
After years of trying to manufacture happiness, it became clear to me that it won't just appear inside of me because I want it to. If I want to be happy it is something that I will have to continuously work on every day. And although I wanted to blame all of my sad circumstances for the reasons why I felt the way I did, I knew that the problem centers in my mind and with the skewed perception of how I see myself and the world. In the end, I didn't know who I was or what I had the potential to become because I was too busy finding ways to hide from myself.
For me, my bottom was waking up every day and wishing I wasn't alive. My life felt empty, I felt hopeless, and it all seemed permanent. I got so dark and so tired of trying to feel better, that I simply didn't want to exist anymore. I fantasized about giving up. I wouldn't have to fight anymore. I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. I could just let go. But then I didn't. Instead I decided to ask for help. Very slowly, but quite magically, my life began to get better. Most days I'm happy now. I have a life beyond what I ever thought was possible for me. And yet, I still live with a collection of mental illnesses. There are certain things I need to do to live as a functioning human, and when I don't do them I inevitably revert back into the chaotic, messy version of myself.
For me, much of life's importance comes from the vulnerable connections we make with individuals and the way that those connections influence our experiences in this world. No one should ever feel that they are alone in their pain or their joy. I had come to believe that I was different than everyone else. I searched for people who saw the world with similar eyes, but I could never find them. It was only when I began to seek treatment that I heard my thoughts come out of other peoples’ mouths. I saw the power of honesty. I recognized the impact of connecting with others who share your experiences. That is why I wanted to start this blog, so that I could completely expose myself in the hopes that others who are experiencing similar feelings would know that they are not alone. And more importantly, by my honesty, I hope they know to never be ashamed of the chaotic parts of themselves. Because right now, it is okay to be messy. And it's okay to feel sad, and lost and worthless. Because we are none of those things. We never were. We just got lost for a bit. I have never given up on finding my happiness and I hope to help you find the strength to keep searching for yours.
If you feel alone, I'm here to tell you that you're not. I'm here. And I feel all of those things you feel. We are all strong and we are all fighters, because we are still here, pushing through this seemingly difficult world. We are all wonderful and beautiful and unique, and it is time to embrace that perception of ourselves. I know I buried the best parts of me into the depths of my insides for a very long time in exchange for escaping into the company of superficial happiness for a moment or two. I want to feel good because of who I am, not because of alcohol, or a boy, or the size of my jeans. I want to feel all of the extraordinary things this world has to offer. This blog is my journey put into words.
It was the strong realization–the heartbreaking, world-collapsing realization–that happiness is not my normal. Day after day I woke up with the absence of it. For many years, I tried to find it. I couldn't find it within my own uncomfortable skin, and so I looked outside myself and searched for happiness in people and the external world. I looked in bottles of whiskey, and in the numbers on a scale, and in boys who didn't care about me. I kept thinking if I could change one thing about myself–change the way I looked, change my relationship status, change my job–then I would feel what I thought everyone else was feeling. Some days, I would feel it for a moment, sometimes numerous moments strung together. I would try and hold onto it, to bottle it up inside me, but always it would disappear without warning. No matter what part of my external circumstances changed I was still me, and I was very sad and uncomfortable being that. There came a point where life consumed me in a dark and dramatic way, and for a bit I was lost in the whirlwind of it all.
After years of trying to manufacture happiness, it became clear to me that it won't just appear inside of me because I want it to. If I want to be happy it is something that I will have to continuously work on every day. And although I wanted to blame all of my sad circumstances for the reasons why I felt the way I did, I knew that the problem centers in my mind and with the skewed perception of how I see myself and the world. In the end, I didn't know who I was or what I had the potential to become because I was too busy finding ways to hide from myself.
For me, my bottom was waking up every day and wishing I wasn't alive. My life felt empty, I felt hopeless, and it all seemed permanent. I got so dark and so tired of trying to feel better, that I simply didn't want to exist anymore. I fantasized about giving up. I wouldn't have to fight anymore. I wouldn't have to feel this way anymore. I could just let go. But then I didn't. Instead I decided to ask for help. Very slowly, but quite magically, my life began to get better. Most days I'm happy now. I have a life beyond what I ever thought was possible for me. And yet, I still live with a collection of mental illnesses. There are certain things I need to do to live as a functioning human, and when I don't do them I inevitably revert back into the chaotic, messy version of myself.
For me, much of life's importance comes from the vulnerable connections we make with individuals and the way that those connections influence our experiences in this world. No one should ever feel that they are alone in their pain or their joy. I had come to believe that I was different than everyone else. I searched for people who saw the world with similar eyes, but I could never find them. It was only when I began to seek treatment that I heard my thoughts come out of other peoples’ mouths. I saw the power of honesty. I recognized the impact of connecting with others who share your experiences. That is why I wanted to start this blog, so that I could completely expose myself in the hopes that others who are experiencing similar feelings would know that they are not alone. And more importantly, by my honesty, I hope they know to never be ashamed of the chaotic parts of themselves. Because right now, it is okay to be messy. And it's okay to feel sad, and lost and worthless. Because we are none of those things. We never were. We just got lost for a bit. I have never given up on finding my happiness and I hope to help you find the strength to keep searching for yours.
If you feel alone, I'm here to tell you that you're not. I'm here. And I feel all of those things you feel. We are all strong and we are all fighters, because we are still here, pushing through this seemingly difficult world. We are all wonderful and beautiful and unique, and it is time to embrace that perception of ourselves. I know I buried the best parts of me into the depths of my insides for a very long time in exchange for escaping into the company of superficial happiness for a moment or two. I want to feel good because of who I am, not because of alcohol, or a boy, or the size of my jeans. I want to feel all of the extraordinary things this world has to offer. This blog is my journey put into words.
