THOUGHTS ON SADNESS

It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm sitting alone in my apartment watching TV.  I'm watching TV because that's the only thing that lets me not think.  I don't want to think today.  It's my brother's Birthday.  He would be twenty-nine today.  But he's not.  He's not anything now, but memories and thoughts and sadness.  This is the eighth Birthday he hasn't celebrated.  They say it gets easier, and sometimes it does.  But not on days like today.  Today his absence is big, and painful, and heartbreaking.  And I don't want to feel any of it.  I don't want to cry.  I don't want to 

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