Our experience started online, as many of my experiences with guys do. We had only been messaging for a couple of hours about things that left no impression on my memory when he asked me out. I really shouldn't be dating right now, but the overwhelming fragment of myself that's afraid of loneliness doesn't seem to understand that men can't fix the bruised places within me. The past handful of years have been filled with an endless string of guys I've expected to make me feel better in the ways I can't seem to feel on my own. This is what brought me to him, and to me asking if he'd like to do something the following night.
It's the middle of the afternoon and I'm sitting alone in my apartment watching TV. I'm watching TV because that's the only thing that lets me not think. I don't want to think today. It's my brother's Birthday. He would be twenty-nine today. But he's not. He's not anything now, but memories and thoughts and sadness. This is the eighth Birthday he hasn't celebrated. They say it gets easier, and sometimes it does. But not on days like today. Today his absence is big, and painful, and heartbreaking. And I don't want to feel any of it. I don't want to cry. I don't want to
My first boyfriend was in eighth grade. I had just begun living with my dad and was attending a new school in Massachusetts. I shared the bus with this boy, tall and dark haired, who smiled at me every time I stepped onto the bus. I didn't know him, but then again, I didn't know anyone and I thought it kind of him to be so friendly to a stranger, and so I would reciprocate his friendliness with a wave. This pattern continued, smile, wave, smile, wave, until the day he finally spoke to me and asked me for my Instant Messenger screen name- it was LoverGirl180. What
The last time I had a drink was on December 31, 2014. It was New Years Eve and I didn't want to be alone to celebrate by myself and so I spent the night drinking cheap red wine paired with marijuana in the company of a boy I convinced myself I liked. A boy I tried to give my heart to but who only wanted to sleep with me and not commit to a relationship because he was too focused on his music and still in love with his ex-girlfriend. I wish I drank whiskey and beer