MY NAME IS LINCOLN

Here I am metaphorically naked, sharing what it's like to do life very imperfectly. 

A BIT ABOUT ME

• I'm thirty years old, which means I am officially a grown up even though it often feels like I don't have my life together enough to say that.
• I live across the country from where I grew up, and as a result, all my very favorite people live very far away from me.
• I'm a bit too unfiltered.  I've been told I need to work on my social tact.  I'm trying, but it's hard when you lack social boundaries.
• I named my cat Penn, because Sean Penn is my favorite actor in the whole world–even though I really haven't enjoyed anything he's made in a long time and he also doesn't seem like that nice of a person.
• I should definitely eat more vegetables, and exercise more, and meditate more, but being perfect is hard and also not a lot of fun.
• I read way way way too much celebrity gossip.  Oh well, it's safer than drugs.

Here are some things that make me happy: having plants in the home, candles, crystals, going to Target, face masks, getting a gel manicure, going to the movies alone, organizing, good pens, iced coffee, farmers markets, reading at a coffee shop, fresh flowers, a good outfit, having a tidy home, Diet Coke, roller skating, Law and Order: SVU 

A BIT MORE ABOUT ME

also known as "the types of things I would never tell someone on a first date (or second date or third date)"

• I've suffered from serious depression since I was nineteen
• I have Borderline Personality Disorder 
• I'm in recovery for alcoholism (I've been sober since January 1, 2015)
• I have a complicated relationship with my body
• I have scars on my wrist and thighs from cutting (the last time I self-harmed was in June 2018)
• There was a point in my life when I didn't want to be alive anymore
• I am really really glad that I'm alive now

I am no one special.  I am just someone with a story, much in the same way that every person has a story.  There are parts that are sad–like the day my brother died.  There are parts that are happy–like discovering my love for roller derby.  And there were times when I thought my story was going to end.  I used to think that my seemingly large number of sad and chaotic experiences made me special.  Like I was somehow unique and interesting in all of my melancholy, and if I were to let that go then I would lose the only thing of value that I had.  But I've come to learn that we all have melancholy in our stories, it just might look different.  
​
I don't have any profound wisdom to share.  I'm still very much figuring out this whole life thing.  There are somethings, however, that I do know.  I know what it's like to hate yourself.  I know what it's like to feel grief that you think will never go away.  I know what it's like to feel that it is impossible for you to change your life no matter how badly you want to.  I know what it's like to not be able to get out of bed in the morning.  I know what it's like to gain fifty pounds because you can't stop escaping into food.  I know what it's like to be an alcoholic and not be able to go a day without drinking, even on the days you promised yourself you wouldn't.  I know what it's like to get sober.  I know what it's like to no longer feel that you are worthless after so many years believing that you were.  I know what it's like to need therapy, medication, and a support group just to function as a human in this world.  

I went from a girl who carved lines in her wrist and wished she wasn't alive, to one who is excited about life and believes in all of the wonderful things she's capable of.  That is the story I want to share with you. 

​This is my self-expression typed neatly onto a screen.